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A Confession

What is it about the heart of humanity that drives us to be so inconsistent look back at thoughts that I have held, words I have said, things I have done with a painful sort of regret that I can, at best, learn from, and, at worst, justify.
Why would I do that, say that, think that when on reflection it does nothing to merit my character as anything close to good. How am I to hope for people to care for my respect when I do nothing to inspire respect for me? What horrible things have I done while stumbling through life, and how many have I hurt when I meant nothing of the kind?
Yet, it is too easy to point the finger at others; to justify my actions by comparing them to worse actions. I cannot imagine that this makes me any better in the eyes of God--and if not in His eyes what does it matter? Is it horrible that I don't wish just to be saved by mercy but to also be deserving of that grace that God has given to me? But I am painfully flawed. My mind wanders toward prideful and sinful thoughts even if my body remains unmoving.
Amazingly, He remains. Though I deserve nothing, He holds me up and gives me chance after chance to turn once again toward Him--every time that I turn away.
And because of this, is not His grace that much more wonderful? The only things I can give to Him are the things that are His already: my time, gifts, resources, my life. And yet he treats these as treasures. Because my hands are empty, because my heart is hard and my thought are no good, His grace is more beautiful than if I was good. Oh to have the heart of God; to forgive, without a second though, to love unconditionally at whatever cost. I wish I could truly say that I am like that but I am not, however I try. I lose faith in people, and I don't want to risk my heart on them again--or my pride.
For any people that I have let down, please forgive me.
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